I'm behind.
I can't remember the last time I washed my hair.
I've lost count of how many times I've worn these leggings.
I experienced a new level of exhaustion this week.
I'm functioning purely on caffeine and anxiety.
I hate when this happens but I have no one to blame but myself for being here. I over committed myself this week. Shocking, I know. Most of the things I have booked this week were scheduled weeks, months in advance. However, two weeks ago I was approached to do a screen reading. I'm never asked to do things like this. Probably because anyone who knows me, knows my life is insane! Not only was I honored to be considered, it was something that spoke to me. However, this screen reading involved, a practice, dress rehearsal and two shows. All in the same week, mostly over the weekend. Weekends are when Clifton works and I'm hanging with our son Sawyer. I couldn't ask Clifton to take off (honestly we couldn't afford for him to do so), and I don't know many people who are available to watch Sawyer, not to mention how much that would cost us. So without having any of this fully sorted out I took a note out of my improv book and said "Yes!" I knew I would regret not taking this opportunity and I was tired of always sacrificing other things for work or saying no because it would have been the easy thing to do.
I have a bad habit of getting caught up in both of those things. I have a strong need for high levels of production and I am always looking for ways to make my life easier. Those two things don't only conflict with one another, they leave me constantly overworked and under-funned (not a word but I'm leaving it). That's not a way to live.
I know this. I do.
Yet it doesn't stop me from continuing down this path 80 percent of the time. On top of that, when I do have fun things in the mix, I'm constantly stressed about it. Take, for example, Mother's Day. Clifton had to take off Friday to watch Sawyer since I had a work event all day. That meant he couldn't take off Sunday so we decided to Celebrate Monday. That meant I had to take off Monday. Monday rolls around and he planned it all out that he would take Sawyer to the Y while he worked out and I could have the morning to do what I want then we'd head out for the day. Do you know what I did? I attempted to read and within 10 minutes I got up to start writing (something I love to do!) but was immediately distracted by work stuff. I worked. I did it because I knew I would feel better if I had some stuff done. I literally couldn't even enjoy my own damn day.
I'm sure my therapist would have a field day unpacking this. I have no doubt it's because of my past and the need to please everyone else, neglecting myself. I also think work is comforting. It's something I know like the back of my hand. I'm good at it. It's safe. It's also wrapped up in my self-worth (story for another day). Like I said, field day.
This isn't how I want to live my life. I owe it to myself, my husband, my son, family and friends to be better and do better when it comes to having fun. To stop letting work and the easy way out dictate what I say yes to. I don't want to look back on my life and see that all I did was work. I don't want my son to follow in those footsteps. I'm not saying work isn't important, but it's not everything. I want to look back and remember the fun I had doing that screen reading, playing with my son and time spent with my husband laughing - not that report I handed in on time.
Here's to being better, growing and having fun!
Always,
Dana
